Trust Challenge

Well yesterday was an interesting day, the message at church felt it was preached right at me. So I guess here are my actions regarding that message. (*hint: this may get long)

Yesterdays message was on how to trust God. And well the long and short of it was that we can't just say we trust Him, but we need to ask God to give us the trust. Well anyway the challenge set out by Pastor was to tell someone what we are struggling to trust God about. So here it goes....

Now I am just going to start off and say this may be more of a selfish issue then a trust one, but maybe a little bit of both. Anyway, I guess I will start with the hard part, I have trouble trusting God's timing. I don't like to not know when things will happen. Now, I am not all that bad, but there are a few things that really get to me. So here goes. I have the most trouble trusting him timing about children. I want to have kids, alot. :) I'm sure most people already know that, but here is what you may not know. I don't understand how children are a blessing, like I am faithful in waiting for his timing so i will be blessed with the children he wants to give me. But if that is true then how come people sin and have sex before marriage and the blessing I am waiting for in his timing, they get as a consequence to there sin????

I just don't understand that. And I'm not trying to offend anyone who is pregnant and not married, don't get me wrong kids are good either way. But I just don't get it.

I'm going to be totally honest here, so please don't judge me too much. There are plenty of chances that my and my now hubby could have had to had sex before we were married. Both our parents live several hours away, who knew what we were up to. BUT WE DIDN'T! Why because it is a sin, and we didn't want to do that it just seems like no one sees that as wrong anymore. Now I'm not saying we were like the most holy couple to ever live or whatever, but there just seems like so many couples in the church who are engaged or not get pregnant. How can i trust God to bless me with children when it also comes as a consequence?

Now logically I understand why right now is not God's timing for us. Financially we can't afford it, and i know everyone says you can never afford it, but when you don't have more than $100 extra dollars a month, there really isn't any room for anything else right now. But how do I trust there will ever be? I mean I have never gotten a descent raise in my life. Bill don't ever go down, and there is always unexpected things. Like cars dieing, things breaking. And yet I know a person who lives at home with her mom in a little apartment and isn't in any better financially, unmarried, and is going to have a baby. I mean where is the sense in that? How is that even right, she sinned and gets a baby that she probably is going to have trouble taking care of. What kind of life is that kid going to have. At least I am married and have a house and a good job. When will it be my turn?

I guess my real problem is emotional. I just don't understand God's timing. Logically I know it isn't the right time for a family for us. But It just doesn't transfer to my heart, to what I want.

I feel like being not rich is part of being a christian for most people. Like God tests your trust when you are just barely financially OK. I have never asked for millions of dollars cause i know that wouldn't make me happy. But sometimes I just wish that God would sell a couple of those "cattle on a thousand hills" and give me the money ;) Guess that is pretty selfish.

Anyway, I hope someone reads this so I can a least feel like told someone. :)

Thanks for listening hope it isn't too long....or selfish sounding.

Love ya all